The Nerd’s Guide to Getting (and Keeping) a Girlfriend

So you met a new girl and are thinking that maybe she’s the one you’re going to break your (completely voluntary) vow of celibacy for. She’s totally cute, totally nerdy and totally into you. Congratulations, bro – today is your lucky day.

Maybe you spotted her in line at your LCS, picking up the newest issue of your favorite comic. Or perhaps you saw her spewing insults in the Trade District and spent a wanton night together gathering herbs all across Azeroth. Either way, one thing led to another and now you’re Facebook friends and you’ve spent an ungodly amount of time ignoring your guild for her status updates and you’ve gotten to the point where you’re pretty sure you want to take this to the next level.

Before you jump head first into what may potentially be the situation that scars you for the rest of your nerdy life, take a moment to assess the reality of what’s about to happen. You might need a little preparation for what’s coming, so it’s a good thing you have this handy dandy guide to help you out.

Thanks to the recent surge in hipster popularity, thousands of girls are currently into the sorts of characteristics that you’ve had all along – you’re awkward, pale, optemetrically challenged and really passionate about things that normal people don’t care about. (Remember how excited you were about the first trailer of The Dark Knight Rises? We do.) You have a better chance now than ever to score the nerdy girl of your dreams.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, however, is the sad truth that “geek couture” is now a legitimate style and that cute nerdy girl you’ve been aiming for wears glasses without a prescription and doesn’t know the difference between the USS Enterprise and the Millennium Falcon. But don’t fret – if this happens, the poor girl may just be trying to let her inner nerd out. Like a small bird fallen out of a tree, she needs to be nurtured and cared for on her journey into your Nerdiverse. Get ready to Superman the fuck out of this Metropolis, because you’re going to be her knight in shining whatever from now until she loses interest.

Assuming you’ve ironed out all the kinks and have successfully acquired The Girlfriend, you’re struggling with the act of keeping her. She talks more than you’re used to, she wants to broaden your food pyramid to include things that don’t involve bacon or pizza and the Firefly marathons and cosplaying plans you had envisioned aren’t exactly coming to fruition.

But you’re young and in love and want to hold onto this slippery little shard of happiness for as long as you can, so you know that you’ve got to step up your game if there’s any hope of the quality nerd-love time spent together that you so desperately crave. That’s what this guide is for. Use it as a tool and follow it religiously. When your heart containers are all filled up and you’re raising a bunch of baby nerds, feel free to say thank you.

Are you plagued with questionable personal hygiene but have the K/D ratio in Modern Warfare 2 of a legendary war God? She knows that those skills will come in handy in the case of the ever looming zombie apocolypse, and is willing to overlook your nose wrinkling B.O. in favor of your mad shooting skills.

So why punish the poor girl for being awesome? Jump in the shower, shave that whisper of a beard you’ve been cultivating for the last six months, spritz yourself with something manly and change into something other than sweatpants. Smelling good will make you feel good, and it will also help get you laid.

Protip #1: Weekly visits to your local comic shop don’t count as a romantic outing for you and your girl. Similarly, there’s really no easy way to gaze into each others eyes over a candlelit dinner at an anime convention.

Of course these things are fun and exciting to the nerd part of your girlfriend’s brain, but what about the part that’s filled with rainbows and sunshine? That’s the part that needs a little TLC, and that’s the part that monitors the way she talks about you to her friends and family when your name comes up.

Surprise your sweetie with a fun trip to the beach or dinner and a movie. Sure, you’ll have to apply 3 gallons of sun screen and might still end up with sun poisoning anyway, but who cares? Your lady will love it. Bonus points will be given to your Overall Boyfriend Score if the movie stars Sandra Bullock, Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston.

Sometimes your honey bunny has a bad day and needs to be reminded of how fantastic she really is. Maybe she got into trouble at work or her XBOX red ringed (again) and this series of events has left her doubting her self worth and usefulness as a human being. Don’t retreat into your nerd cave and hope that she’s feeling better when you return! Man up and help her out!

Compile a mental list of all the things you love about her and choose one to ramble about. Maybe she’s an incredibly talented Dungeon Master or she has the highest score (next to you, of course) on the nearest arcade’s Galaga. Don’t be afraid to be a tiny bit shallow about this, either. If your girlfriend’s unwavering finger dexterity while playing video games excites you more than the thought of the next ComicCon, let her know what’s up.

Protip #2: If all else fails, default to telling her how beautiful her eyes are. This always works.

Protip #3: This even works when your girlfriend isn’t having a shitty day. Try boosting her self esteem even when she’s having a great day – she’ll still appreciate it, I promise.

If you don’t know the difference between a Muggle and a Moogle but are too proud to admit that there are things that even you’re not nerdy enough to know to your girlfriend, spend an afternoon doing research. Is she a crazy Harry Potter fan? Google “Harry Potter trivia” and spend the night entertaining her with your vast amount of magical knowledge. Is she really into Greek mythology? Check your TV Guide for relevant topics on the Discovery channel and surprise her with a night of cuddling and history.

Showing an interest in the things that don’t interest you because they interest her will make her love you more. Confused by this strange logic? Welcome to having a girlfriend.

Most guys need to be taught about communicating effectively in their personal relationships, but not you. You know all about the importance of effective communication, don’t you? You’re all about screaming obscenities over the waves of XBOX Live and giving play-by-plays over Ventrilo, I’m sure. But talking to a girl isn’t necessarily the same and it’s so complicated that it requires another guide entirely.

Luckily for you, you can get by easily enough just by remembering that your girlfriend isn’t Charles Xavier and she isn’t going to know exactly what you’re thinking. If something’s bothering you or if you’re confused about something she’s done, talk to her about it. Chances are, she’ll be glad you did and she’ll know that, despite your obvious shortcomings as a man, you’re capable of being trained.

So there you have it – a useful guide to revert back to in case of emergency. There are obviously a number of other things you can do to ensure a long lasting and successful relationship with the Peach to your Mario, but these are arguably the top five most important. Just because she’s nerdy doesn’t mean she’s unlike other girls. It just means that she’ll appreciate you waiting in line for 6 hours to buy the midnight release of her favorite video game as much as, or even moreso than, a bouquet of flowers. And because of this, you should appreciate her as much as, or even moreso than, a girl with less of an inclination to dress up like Velma for you on Halloween.

Relish in the knowledge that you’ve scored big time. While she may have been underappreciated by the jocks of her high school, your girlfriend is coveted by your nerd peers and with her, you are the envy of your D&D group.

Blowjobs are more valuable than the Master Sword and if you’ve followed the instructions provided in this helpful little guide, you’re well on your way to the best BJ of your life.

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  1. […] my blog. The majority of them voted for savory recipes as well as more satirical articles like my Nerd’s Guide series (which will have another guide coming soon, so stay tuned!). I decided to give the readers […]

  2. […] my blog. The majority of them voted for savory recipes as well as more satirical articles like my Nerd’s Guide series (which will have another guide coming soon, so stay tuned!). I decided to give the readers […]

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