I’ve never really blogged about my sexuality, or anything really personal beyond a couple posts here and there about vacations, or my sister’s memorial. I tend to only really talk about personal stuff with people I’m very comfortable with, and since I don’t have a whole ton of people that I always feel that way about, it sort of stays under wraps.
That said, recently, I’ve become a bit more vocal with my mental health and political beliefs, since these things are important to me, and make up a decent chunk of the person I am. While I love books and tacos and colorful shelves, someone not liking something I’ve read won’t really upset me – but someone not liking something I am probably would.
So, in an effort to try to be a bit more forthcoming with some personal stuff in the hopes that maybe doing so might make other people feel comfortable doing so as well, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! I’m a bisexual lady, and I don’t remember ever not being this way. 🌈
When I was a small kid, I remember going up to women in grocery stores and telling them how pretty I thought they were. The women usually dismissed it as “a kid being a kid” and hugged me or told me how cute I was, but I’m pretty sure there was a bit more to it than me just being a precocious 6-year-old, haha.
When I was a little bit older, I developed my first celebrity crush on a girl – Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager, who remains one of my fav characters ever to this day. I started to realize that I was a little bit different from some of the people around me. I wasn’t sure if this crush counted, so I kept it to myself. I mean, she’s obviously a gorgeous badass, who wouldn’t love her, right? And she wasn’t even a real person, I told myself, so there’s no need to go around making any big announcements to people about anything.
I sort of used different forms of that excuse for years. I’m not sure why – I am really grateful and extremely fortunate in that my mom has always been pretty supportive of me, even if we haven’t always gotten along. She’s never made me feel like I couldn’t tell her something, and I knew her to be vocally supportive of the LGBT+ community. Still, when I liked a girl in my fifth grade class, who liked a boy in our same class instead, I didn’t go to my mom for comfort or try talking to anyone about how hurt I was feeling. I didn’t really know anyone personally who felt the way I did, that I knew of, so I thought it was better kept to myself.
When I was 16, I came home from school one afternoon after getting into a pretty heated argument with a girl that I had secretly been dating for a couple of weeks. She was upset with me for not telling people that we were a thing, and I couldn’t give her a reason for not feeling ready to. I didn’t really like high school, but I did have friends. If I’d told them, I knew they’d have been supportive of it, just as I was sure my mom was. I just… wasn’t ready.
The argument (and our relationship) ended that day with me not being ready to tell people, and her not being able to accept that. In retrospect, I don’t really blame her for leaving – but I also don’t think anyone should be forced into coming out before they’re ready, so I think it’s for the best that things went the way they did.
I think what I struggled most with during this time was that I already had a history of things associated with who I was to other people – my schools, my family, my friends. Bad things had happened to me when I was younger that I also took years to fully admit or tell anyone about, and I didn’t want to add another thing that I felt was a concrete label onto what was already probably a mile-long personal chart labeled “Cassie”.
The day that my first girlfriend and I broke up, I sat on my mom’s bed next to her, I took a deep breath, and I told her, “I like girls.”
There was a pause, and she stared at me for a second that seemed to last forever. Then, slowly, “… Well, yeah. I’ve known.”
“What?” I’d expected questions, I’d expected shock, I’d expected… something else?
“You used to ask pretty women if you could hug them in public. I mean, I guess I didn’t know until now, but… I assumed.” She laughed and hugged me. Turns out I wasn’t really keeping that big of a secret as I’d thought, at least not at home. She’d always known, and had always loved me anyway.
I know this isn’t the case for a lot of other people, and I’m really lucky to have had the sort of acceptance that I did.
I know that some people never feel comfortable coming out to their families, some do and regret it because of how it’s received, some never get the chance.
I urge anyone reading this to make it a goal to be as accepting as you can of people who may come out to you, or may ask for your support in coming out to their friends/family. It isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of personal strength to do. There’s a lot of meanness and hate in the world, and it’s not always easy to speak out against it – especially if you’re not in the majority when doing so – but it’s so, so important that you do.
To anyone that may not have an accepting or supportive family, or people in your life who you feel comfortable coming out to or talking to about these things, just know that my inbox is always open and I love you!
Happy Pride Month!